you know those silly little 'if we're not married by the time we're 30 we'll get together' kind of pacts? well, i never made one. and im starting to think i should have. im kind of old school like that. my mum and dad married young. really young. i came along after just a few months after my mum walked up to my dad in a nightclub at the ripe old age of 22 and said 'im going to make you breakfast'. best pickup line ever. i've tried it once (or twice). but they're still going strong. they still shag on the couch on a sunday afternoon (just ask my sister who got an awful shock - though my mum will still deny it to the death) and are still so madly in love it makes me sick.

i got another wedding invite the other day. well not so much a wedding invite, twas a hens night invite. now dont get me wrong, i love a good hens party. too much penis paraphernalia to even attempt to poke a proverbial stick at. but another year and another hens party and a few weddings later and im still here doing my thing - renting a house, being a crazy (young, but almost teetering on) old cat lady, no responsibilities, getting drunk on school nights and turning up in the morning to my dead end job. 

although i've decided not to have children, i can still feel my proverbial clock ticking. dont try and talk me out of the no kids thing - too many people have tried and failed dismally with the whole 'oh, its just a thing you'll grow out of' or 'you'll want them one day'. i wont - never have wanted them and never will. i dont have the normal maternal instincts. its strange though - i HAVE planned out my perfect not so white wedding (in vegas no less) - from the walk down to aisle to ben gibbards acoustic rendition of brand new colony right down to here comes your man by the pixies as our first dance. dont get me wrong, i do like kids - i'd pretty much walk in front of a bus for any child. and i'll gladly babysit (people ACTUALLY trust me with their kids - unsupervised and everything). but its never been in my agenda to settle down and have a brood of little people running around. settle down - eventually, yes. play the happy house wife and cook dinner and iron and clean -  hell yes. where do i locate the sign up sheet? i've spent way too many hours ironing pointless things and cooking roasts and cleaning and playing martha fucking stewart pouring though cookbooks and choosing a meal thats going to make my man satisfied to turn back now. its pretty safe to say i have almost done the hundred hours learner licence thing in the housewife world. its about time i settled down and made my happy little 'paisley curtains with matching couch covers, 5pm dinners and interior designer ikea trips on a sunday morning' life with the man of my dreams. 

but as soon as i meet the perfect boy (there have been a few in my years - been and gone. some though my doing, some through no fault of my own) i start picking them to pieces - and then i talk myself into thinking the grass is always greener. ugh - the grass is never greener. it doesn't matter what side of that electrified barbed wire fence you're sitting on, you'll always want to be on the other side. but as soon as you're there, you're all sitting there wondering what the fuck happened. now i can sugar coat it all i want, but some people i've walked away from because they're douches. plain and simple - douchebags who took me and my wicked cool housekeeping skills for granted. and then theres the boys where you sit back and wonder what if i didnt push them away? 

ever since i was a little girl not making pacts with boys about being shacked up by the time we're over the hill, i've always believed life takes me where i need to be. and as silly as it sounds im convinced that if i didnt let that happen and follow my gut instincts then maybe i'd be knocked up with a guy i didnt love with 3 little rugrats running around named accident, mistake and regret.

it's important to listen to the people who know me best, and at this 'coming of age' stage in my life, its me. and while i have a handful of different me's - deep and philosophical wine bianca, cocaine cut with god only knows lets fuck whats your name bianca, down and out on life bianca and  happy go lucky throw caution to the wind bianca, at the end of the day, its still bianca. and while i may be freaking out because another friend is set to walk down the aisle and i cant even commit to where i'll be next saturday, happy go lucky bianca is telling me to look at the positives - at least i still have the option to take home a groomsman.