i'm a competitive person - always have been and probably aways will be. i've always prided myself at being the best at what i do. now i don't do very much - mainly drink, eat & get my own way. but i'm fucking awesome at it.  

so why, all of a sudden, have i found myself in over my head? oh wait, now i remember. i'm not good at being a 'we'. 

1 month and 21 days ago a boy came over for a drink. and basically hasn't left. now all of a sudden I'M a we - and we're doing dinners, we're doing drinks, and the standard 'yeah, i'll be there to get drunk and talk smack into the wee hours of the morning' text has turned into 'we'll be there'. eek. 

after many too many failed encounters with absolute wankers i marched my single and fed up arse down the the supermarket and bought the entire store out of AA batteries.  but isn't it funny how as soon as you resign yourself to a fate life just comes along and shits all over everything. two months ago i was planning adventures for just me, making dinners for one. without any thought, forewarning or big flashing illuminated signs saying 'turn right to become everything you despise' i've gone from a me to an us. i'm meeting the friends and all the drunken nights out lately have taken me into bed with the same person.

i suck at relationships. its a tried and tested fact. i spend so long crafting my art as being the ultimate single that i have literally forgotten how to be a couple.

now i've gone and made it sound negative - its not. and as much as it sickens me it totally adorable. its mainly me just freaking the fuck out. someone hand me a paper bag to panic attack into - soon it might be facebook official - the REAL kind of official. and that leads me to the point of this blog. i've faded other love interests. he has his side of the bed. i have sent eric off to live out his golden years in the land of forgotten vibrators and haven't faked it in forever. i have a stupid pet name for him. my friends adore him. 

so where to from here - or more importantly when does a boy friend become a boyfriend? what does having a boyfriend entail? is it ok for him to leave a toothbrush at my house? pick my toe nails on the couch? mine for nose gold in front of him? do i have to report back to base at regular intervals throughout the day? can i still go out with the girls? flirt with boys? drink straight vodka and party spew? turn my phone off, close the blinds and stay in bed all day reading a book?

i guess i'm just going to have to wing it. because google sure as hell isn't giving me straight answer. i'm going to be 100% me when i'm sober and 85% when i'm not so much (we wouldn't want to scare him would we now). i'm still going to eat in bed and vacuum the sheets when i'm done. i'm going to be immature and craft witty swear sentences like 'your mum sucks a fuck sack' out of letter magnets on my fridge. and i guess if he doesn't like it then he can go suck a fuck sack. because as much as it totally rocks rolling over to kisses and sex on demand five mornings a week by a boy who thinks i'm beautiful in no make up i'm definitely more accustomed to the single lifestyle. 

but i could really get used to being a we. 

why the long face? if you have food in the fridge, clothes on your back and a roof over your head you are richer than 75% of the world. if you have money in the bank, your wallet and some spare change you are among the top 8% of the worlds wealthy. if you woke up this morning with more health than illness (hangovers don't count) you are more blessed than a million people who will not survive this week. if you have never experienced the danger of battle, the agony of imprisonment or torture or the horrible pangs of starvation - you are luckier than 500 million people alive today and suffering. and if you can read this passage then you are luckier than more that 3 billion people in the people who cannot read at all.

i don't believe in depression. i understand that this is going to be a very controversial blog but to put it into perspective i'm going to tell you a story;

on a recent trip to indonesia i met a lovely boy from bali who took me out to lunch. this boy earns $70 AUD a month. $40 of which goes to rent for an 'apartment' (a room about as big as the lino in my kitchen in a unit barely big enough to sneeze in) with a mattress i wouldn't have let my cat sleep on let alone a human being and not much else. he was one of the happiest people i've ever met. after a few (too many) long island iced teas over a breathtaking kuta sunset i finally built up the courage to ask him why he was so happy. he replied 'love is everything. without love i have nothing. and i have love. therefore i have everything'. now he may have just have been saying that to (unsuccessfully) get in my pants. but it kinda hit home for me.

here i am living what i thought was a pretty fucking average existence. but put in the presence of such a wonderfully positive being who truly believed that he had everything a person could ever wish for, i felt like an absolute douche - i come home everyday with more than enough means to feed my cat steak. i can pour a glass of water out of the tap and not get sick. and when i do get sick i can book into a doctor to get a prescription to make me feel better. i have the freedom to walk outside alone and not fear being raped. when the weather is cold outside i can turn on my reverse cycle air conditioner and get warm. i have a full time job that pays me enough money to get comfortably by, a bed to sleep in every night and the unconditional love of my family and my friends. 

a few months ago i had a teary because i couldn't find anything to wear. i constantly stressed about where i was meant to be in life - but i do have money. just some weeks i don't have enough cash to buy pretty house things or eat out at expensive restaurants. everything else is trivial and i'm sure will work out exactly the way its meant to *hang my head in shame*

granted, this is the life that we have become accustomed to. but before people going around claiming some sort of disability pension for being sad about shit take a fucking step back idiot. do you have a friend? a roof over your head? and just a stab in the dark here but i'm guessing if you're reading this you've got a computer too. count your blessings. a situation is what you make it, and if you're not happy then do something about it. or at least think yourself lucky you're not living in some far off war torn country and just watched the house next door get blow up by gun fire and petrol bombs. at least your neighbours are still alive. 

when we put it like that, life isn't as hard as you thought huh?